How To Set Your Personal Swinging Rules

With swinging comes great responsibility. If you and your partner don’t come up with a series of rules to protect yourselves, swinging can become dangerous – and you may split up.

That’s not me being dramatic. It happens. Swinging can take an emotional toll on any couple that hasn’t properly prepared. 

For example, what happens if your partner does something with someone else that surprises (even shocks) you? You weren’t expecting that … and now you have to deal with new emotions and a feeling of regret. 

That sort of thing can be avoided by setting your own personal swinging rules with your partner. In this article, I’m going to take a look at how you can do just that. 

How to Set Your Personal Swinging Rules

Decide What Happens Online 

Before you even begin swinging, you need to set up on an online profile at a swingers site. Then, it would be best if you decided how you’ll manage this profile.

In other words, will you both be present when either of you logs in and sends messages? Or will you let each other use the profile ‘solo’ to send messages and flirt with other users?

This is a really key thing to get sorted straight away. It would be best if you were sure who’s in charge of what when it comes to your online profile so that there are no accusations later on. 

Set a Codeword For When One Of You Isn’t Feeling It 

Let’s imagine you and your partner are at a sex party. You’ve started chatting to a new couple and things are going fine. 

Well, they’re going fine for you – but your partner seems a little bit off. 

Still, they press ahead and you end up having a foursome. 

It’s only afterwards that your out-of-sorts partner admits that they didn’t really want to have sex with that couple. “I didn’t really fancy them,” they say.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I wasn’t sure how to. Before I knew it, we followed them into the bedroom and I’d feel rude if I just suddenly backed out.” 

To avoid situations like this, it’s a good idea to invent a codeword (or signal) that lets you both know when one of you isn’t feeling it. If you don’t fancy a particular couple or individual, you can use this codeword to mutually back away without offending the other people.

Decide Whether Or Not You’re Allowed To Kiss Other People 

Think it’s strange that couples could go to a swinger party … and not kiss? 

It’s actually not so odd at all, at least not for first-timers. In fact, many first-timers agree not to kiss anyone else but their partner. 

Why? Well, it’s pretty obvious. Kissing is a very intimate act, and a lot of couples are uncomfortable with watching their partner kiss someone else. If you’re testing the waters as swingers for the first time, it might be a good idea to stipulate ‘no kissing’ to protect yourself from feeling jealous. 

Decide Whether Or Not Penetration Will Be Allowed 

Yes, a lot of couples go to sex parties to have full sex. They want penetration to be involved. 

But many first-timers refuse to engage in full swap sex. They’re okay for their partner to indulge in foreplay and other things, but penetration is a step too far just yet. 

And that’s perfectly fine – it’s entirely up to you, and no one is going to force you to have penetration.

In fact, it’s a very common rule at swingers parties. Kissing, oral sex and even groping is fine, but full sex is often off-limits for both newbies and long-term swingers. 

Big deal. There are other ways you can get naughty. 

Naturally, you might be excited by the idea of full swap sex. But I suggest you think this over very carefully because seeing your partner penetrate (or be penetrated) by a total stranger can be very emotionally damaging.

Just ask yourself if you can cope with that sort of thing. If one of you can’t, add this rule. 

Decide Whether Or Not You Will Play In The Same Room 

A lot of first-time swingers are under the impression that they will have sex in the same room with their partner. However, this isn’t always the case. 

I sometimes go to a sex party with my girlfriend and let her wander off into a room with either another girl or another couple. 

Meantime, I’m free to have a chat and a laugh with other people. And we’re totally cool with that.

On the flip side, there are occasions when we prefer to have playtime in the same room together, often with the same couple.

It’s important that you set this rule before you go to a swingers party. If you don’t, it’s the sort of thing that can cause arguments once you’re at the event. See, a situation might arise where a single girl wants the female half of your partnership all to herself. How will you deal with that? If you haven’t decided on this beforehand, it could be really embarrassing for all involved (and a major turn off). 

Will Anal Sex Be Allowed? 

Big question. And a big rule. 

Anal sex is, of course, hardly taboo among swingers. At sex parties, people are into all kinds of fetishes, including BDSM. For some people, anal sex is just another part of their varied sex life. 

For new swingers, however, it might shock them to learn that someone wants to have anal sex with one of them. 

If so, what would you do about that? 

Some swingers are very experienced when it comes to anal play. They’re very good at it. So it’s important that you and your partner decide beforehand whether or not you’d be comfortable with engaging in anal play.

The last thing you want is a situation where a swinger who is talented at anal play offers to penetrate one of you, but the two of you are not sure what to do. One of you wants it, the other says “really?” 

Set this rule beforehand and make you both agree because I can guarantee it will come up at some point during your time swinging. 

Can You Go Again With The Same Couple? 

I’ve been in situations where my partner and I have enjoyed intercourse with the same couple more than once. But I understand that for some couples this is a big No-No.


Well, some people just like to keep things fresh by finding new sexual partners. Others, however, are concerned that an emotional connection will develop if they keep returning to the same people. That’s understandable. 

So it’s really important that you decide beforehand whether or not you’re allowed to play with the same couple more than once. 


Rules are there to help us make better decisions and prevent arguments. When it comes to swinging, they’re also there to stop couples from splitting up. That’s how important they are.

So take the time to go work out your rules before you start swinging. Communicate with each other, perhaps be a bit flexible and – where necessary – try to work out a compromise. 

Other than that, good luck!